Henry VIII of England was a big man, in the physical sense that is, as while not many remember him as an intellectual giant, the big ranga dude was far from stupid. Sure, he didn't have a great track record in his personal relationships, but even with his well documented matrimonial excesses, his first marriage lasted twenty four years, and in terms of Tudor times, his first wife, Katharine of Aragon, was a bit of a cougar, being older, widowed and more "experienced" than young Hal.
After all, she'd been married to his older brother, Arthur, whose existence was dooming Hal to a life in the church. Imagine that. Arthur conveniently died, without having consummated his marriage to the Spanish princess, leaving Hal free to score a wife and her dowry and a kingdom. Catharine was well loved, both as Princess of Wales and later as Queen, known by her contemporaries as a remarkable woman, who advocated education for women, and was lauded by luminaries such as Shakespeare.
We'll cover Henry's excesses quickly, he divorced Catharine, forming the church of England in the process, married the intriguing Anne Boleyn, about whom I could talk for hours, and then beheaded her, married Jane Seymour, a mousy little woman who died after childbirth complications, married Anne of Cleves, declared her gross and annulled his union with her (serves him right for marrying before the first date) which probably suited her fine as she's rumoured to have preferred the company of her own kind, if you get my drift. Catharine Howard (cousin of Anne Boleyn) was a silly little tramp and lost her head for it, Katharine Parr, didn't want to marry Henry, but, whats a girl to do?, and she did out live him. So did Anne of Cleves. Catharine of Aragon died of breast cancer, nine years before Henry, who fell into a very dark mood when he heard of her passing.
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I just love how a row of asterices breaks up a text
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Bet you didn't know our Hal obsessions with male heir was because he thought his line would produce the messiah, now, did you?
Fast forward to the present time, or whatever time we're in. We have Prince William getting married, a direct descendant of Henry VII, through Henry VIII's sister, Margaret, but even though Wills is second in line to the throne, some think his lovely Tudor blood has been corrupted by his fathers German/Greek mix, so entering stage left, we have young Prince Harry, the party loving, swastika wearing ranga, carrying the name that could lead him to be King Henry IX. The last two Henrys' weren't born to the throne either.
If the rumors concerning the legitimacy of Prince Harry are true, and I'm not saying they are, but he got that red hair from somewhere,and anyway, I'm bored, so let me have my flights of fancy, then he has more royal, uncorrupted English royal that is, blood than other person in direct line to the throne. That was good enough for Henry VII.
Now lets get out the graphite motorcycle helmet that works much better than a tin foil hat at blocking the nasty powers that be, and their mind reading whatevers (you knew it had to turn crackpot soon, and I didn't disappoint), and lets very quietly mention that young, handsome Prince William is number one contender for the antichrist. Theres even a picture of him holding a sheep or goat or some other cloven hoofed critter if you're the type of person who demands conclusive and irrefutable proof. And his birthday, summer solstice? Spooky!
We all know that in every biblical apocalyptic scenario, the anitchrist gets his ass kicked by the messiah. I don't know about you, but Id much prefer it the entire apocalypse was downgraded to a right royal family feud, albeit of biblical proportions. So, I'm offering a prediction for you. Lay your bets on Prince Harry for next monarch, because, lets face it, the Brits have been ruled by bastards before, and it simply wouldn't be Brittish to put the antichrist on the throne of England.
So dead birds and floods aside, what really maters is that I got to reuse the dodgy thumbnail of Wills with the satanic hand sign.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wrestlers provide better medical care than the hospital.
As I sit here, with my left foot elevated and iced, due to it's third grade sprain, which is about as bad as sprains go, I can't help but reminisce about yesterday afternoons foray in the public health system. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd generally presume, and hope, that six or so years in medical school, or however much training they do, would result in, oh, I don't know, maybe some sort of ability to treat things like illness or injury. Yeah, crackpot idea.
Backstage, I presented my co-workers with my ankle. I was seen to and treated immediately. Within minutes, my foot was iced, elevated and I was having a medicinal beer. I was assisted in every possible way. Wrestlers, not paramedics, not medically trained in any way. Wrestling is physical, some of my co workers work, or have worked, as personal trainers, and they know what to do.
Now let's look at the hospital. I hopped to triage, which was empty. Ten minutes later the staff returned, and it was another ten before it was seen. Triage dude thought it could be broken, so they get me a wheel chair, tell me to do the red tape shuffle at the clerical window, and then goof to xray. Sounds fine.
Until Miss Admin says to sit down and wait, she's busy. Hello? Sit down? I'm in a wheelchair with a technicolour foot. Here's a tip, looking at people provides invaluable information. Just saying. Fifteen minutes tick by. She finally takes the details and we're off to xray to wait somewhere else. A change, it's as good as a holiday.
They tell me the radiographer is busy. Radiographer. Singular. They only have one? No wonder they're all wearing badges that proclaim, "staffed to budget, not patient care". Such a reassuring position. We wait. And wait. The beer has worn off, I don't have it iced. The wait goes on. 4.28 pm, the world turns to pain as my foot swells even more and the throbbing intensifies as the wonderful sense of disconnection previously protecting me disappears.
They eventually x Ray it. Then its back to emergency to continue waiting. Just after six they give me pain killers and ice it. Hours after arrival, I finally received the same level of basic care I got backstage. It's all the administration. Gets in the way of the treating people part.
Side note. While I waited, someone walked to the shop for panadeine. Those painkillers got to me before the hospitals did. My advice is, when injured, look for the big burly dude without a neck, he doesn't have to deal with red tape, or get senior approval before applying icepacks.
Backstage, I presented my co-workers with my ankle. I was seen to and treated immediately. Within minutes, my foot was iced, elevated and I was having a medicinal beer. I was assisted in every possible way. Wrestlers, not paramedics, not medically trained in any way. Wrestling is physical, some of my co workers work, or have worked, as personal trainers, and they know what to do.
Now let's look at the hospital. I hopped to triage, which was empty. Ten minutes later the staff returned, and it was another ten before it was seen. Triage dude thought it could be broken, so they get me a wheel chair, tell me to do the red tape shuffle at the clerical window, and then goof to xray. Sounds fine.
Until Miss Admin says to sit down and wait, she's busy. Hello? Sit down? I'm in a wheelchair with a technicolour foot. Here's a tip, looking at people provides invaluable information. Just saying. Fifteen minutes tick by. She finally takes the details and we're off to xray to wait somewhere else. A change, it's as good as a holiday.
They tell me the radiographer is busy. Radiographer. Singular. They only have one? No wonder they're all wearing badges that proclaim, "staffed to budget, not patient care". Such a reassuring position. We wait. And wait. The beer has worn off, I don't have it iced. The wait goes on. 4.28 pm, the world turns to pain as my foot swells even more and the throbbing intensifies as the wonderful sense of disconnection previously protecting me disappears.
They eventually x Ray it. Then its back to emergency to continue waiting. Just after six they give me pain killers and ice it. Hours after arrival, I finally received the same level of basic care I got backstage. It's all the administration. Gets in the way of the treating people part.
Side note. While I waited, someone walked to the shop for panadeine. Those painkillers got to me before the hospitals did. My advice is, when injured, look for the big burly dude without a neck, he doesn't have to deal with red tape, or get senior approval before applying icepacks.
Meathead, aka I Stuffed Up!
It happens. You step inside the ring, and you can and, all too often do, get hurt. We know that, and we accept the risk every time we don our tights, or hot pants, if that's your preference. When injuries occur, we take an almost perverse, and certainly contrary, pride in it. Our battle scars, testament to our membership in the exclusive Cult of Meathead. Although I have no qualms in saying that injuries usually occur doing some sort of wrestling move, but not today, and not for me.
The day dawned with the now usual grey sky and drizzle, which boded well for my Mercedes as it had developed a tendency to overheat, plus a light rain makes the squeaks less audible. We were all ready and were among the first to arrive at Mounties. I chatted and shared a cigarette with Tennille, hung about backstage with the old timer commentary team, in the obligatory old timer dressing room, I warmed up, under Skulls supervision, and by the way, he was rather impressed with my ability perform push ups. Proper ones. Not that on your knees girly stuff. All in all, I was feeling pretty good, I looked great, and I was singing, to the tune of Willie Nelsons "on the road again", my own, slightly reworked version.
In then ring again
Just can't wait to get in the ring again
Smacking chicks that I may never smack again
And I can't wait to get in the ring again.
Yeah, I was having a great time. And then it was our match. Wayne Pickford and Poison Ivy vs Antonio De'Ath and Niki Nitro. The entrance is great and we're all feeling good, the guys start and we're off to what should be a textbook mixed tag, until we hit the tag. I go into the first spot, and as I step off waynes stomach (don't ask, somethings you don't need to know) and put my left foot down, my ankle rolls under me. I felt a snapping pain, white hot and I cursed the rings padding. High density foam, boys, not as spongy and sounds better. In my opinion, the ring is too soft. I wanna know when I hit the floor.
I roll under the bottom rope, back into my corner, telling Wayne that I've just stuffed up my ankle. Across the ring, I seek out my counterparts eyes,and through time honured tradition of mime, I communicate the problem to her. The crowd has quitened a little, so I turn and shout unpleasantries at them, often containing the term peasant, which I only mention cos it's pretty unpleasant.
We're tagged in, and we stuff about and then get back out, giving the boys a turn. Wayne asks if I can do it, and I was sure as shit going to finish what I started. We took it home, Niki got the pin on Pickford, De'Ath laid me out with his trademark move. And I was free to hobble back stage. I got through the curtains and started hopping, sat down and took my boot off, there was already a swollen band across it.
Back to dressing room, having asked some of the guys to get some ice (Dan Damage, champion!) and then went through the laborious process of removing a spandex crop top, lace body stocking, sloggi stockings, cos I only like to give the illusion of being half naked, and hot pants, to get my jeans back on. Niki, no longer Nitro, but co worker, helps me get my jeans on. Skull hands me a beer, I sit on the steps and consume it quickly. Somehow, after the show, I hobble out, with the help my son, Texas, and no shoes to the awaiting car.
Hours later, doped the eyeballs, I'm feeling ok. I did my time at the E.R, and broke free of their clutches to return to the comforts of home and pizza. And I learnt something. Never underestimate the power of beer.
It's a sprain. I'm working on either being fine by next weeks show, or able to convincingly pretend I'm fine. That's the thing with the Cult of Meathead, and I'm unlikely to be deprogrammed. I'm a wrestler. We take our lumps, we take our bumps, and we pull together when it matters. We're Meatheads, and proud of it.
The day dawned with the now usual grey sky and drizzle, which boded well for my Mercedes as it had developed a tendency to overheat, plus a light rain makes the squeaks less audible. We were all ready and were among the first to arrive at Mounties. I chatted and shared a cigarette with Tennille, hung about backstage with the old timer commentary team, in the obligatory old timer dressing room, I warmed up, under Skulls supervision, and by the way, he was rather impressed with my ability perform push ups. Proper ones. Not that on your knees girly stuff. All in all, I was feeling pretty good, I looked great, and I was singing, to the tune of Willie Nelsons "on the road again", my own, slightly reworked version.
In then ring again
Just can't wait to get in the ring again
Smacking chicks that I may never smack again
And I can't wait to get in the ring again.
Yeah, I was having a great time. And then it was our match. Wayne Pickford and Poison Ivy vs Antonio De'Ath and Niki Nitro. The entrance is great and we're all feeling good, the guys start and we're off to what should be a textbook mixed tag, until we hit the tag. I go into the first spot, and as I step off waynes stomach (don't ask, somethings you don't need to know) and put my left foot down, my ankle rolls under me. I felt a snapping pain, white hot and I cursed the rings padding. High density foam, boys, not as spongy and sounds better. In my opinion, the ring is too soft. I wanna know when I hit the floor.
I roll under the bottom rope, back into my corner, telling Wayne that I've just stuffed up my ankle. Across the ring, I seek out my counterparts eyes,and through time honured tradition of mime, I communicate the problem to her. The crowd has quitened a little, so I turn and shout unpleasantries at them, often containing the term peasant, which I only mention cos it's pretty unpleasant.
We're tagged in, and we stuff about and then get back out, giving the boys a turn. Wayne asks if I can do it, and I was sure as shit going to finish what I started. We took it home, Niki got the pin on Pickford, De'Ath laid me out with his trademark move. And I was free to hobble back stage. I got through the curtains and started hopping, sat down and took my boot off, there was already a swollen band across it.
Back to dressing room, having asked some of the guys to get some ice (Dan Damage, champion!) and then went through the laborious process of removing a spandex crop top, lace body stocking, sloggi stockings, cos I only like to give the illusion of being half naked, and hot pants, to get my jeans back on. Niki, no longer Nitro, but co worker, helps me get my jeans on. Skull hands me a beer, I sit on the steps and consume it quickly. Somehow, after the show, I hobble out, with the help my son, Texas, and no shoes to the awaiting car.
Hours later, doped the eyeballs, I'm feeling ok. I did my time at the E.R, and broke free of their clutches to return to the comforts of home and pizza. And I learnt something. Never underestimate the power of beer.
It's a sprain. I'm working on either being fine by next weeks show, or able to convincingly pretend I'm fine. That's the thing with the Cult of Meathead, and I'm unlikely to be deprogrammed. I'm a wrestler. We take our lumps, we take our bumps, and we pull together when it matters. We're Meatheads, and proud of it.
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