Sunday, January 9, 2011

Chupacabras Mystery Revealed!

The mysterious chupacabras of South America has finally leapt out of the pages of crypotozoology, where it has long been feared by Mexican farmers trying to protect their herds of the chupacabras favorite snack, sheep and goats, hence the literal translation of "goat-sucker". Whilst the chupacabras has long to be rumoured to be a figment of the imagination of uneducated, superstitious locals, researchers have discovered that it is, in fact, a hairless thylacine.

DNA tests conducted by Professor Gesine Leah du Robert, of Gulled U, Dumfriesshire, have shocked doubters by conclusively proving that the legendary creature is a remnant population of the long thought to be extinct Australian Marsupial wolf, or thylacine (dog-headed pouched one).

The identification of the chupacabras as a hairless thylacine will no doubt prove to be controversial, but thylacines have been positively identified in other animal attacks many times, and surprisingly, in places other than Australia. The last recognised populations lived in Tasmania, Australia and were thought to have become extinct during the 1930s. Despite this, the Australian Rare Fauna Research Association has reported 3,800 sightings of the so-called Tasmanian Tiger (neither Tasmanian, nor tiger, but a marsupial dog.) on mainland Australia since 1936.
The thylacine is carnivorous, and is known to prefer the soft, internal organs of it's prey. Though not often mentioned by researchers, it's well known that thylacines are blood drinkers. Phantom thylacines have been historically located in many places, with one of the better examples being the Great Dog of Ennerdale, which terrorised the area of Cumberland, United Kingdom, in 1810, embarking on a killing spree that left left up to 400 sheep dead in 6 months. The great cur dog was hunted down and killed by dogs belonging to the local farmers. It's corpse was preserved for many years, until the condition deteriorated so much that the curator decided to dispose of it.
Great Dog of Ennerdale sketch  and, (below, photo)


Whilst researchers have often explained away corpses said to be of the chupacabras by claiming that they really Mexican Hairless Dogs known as Xolo, they may have been closer to the truth than they realised. The xolo is a native to Mexico, having begun its path to domestication approximately 3000 years ago, and is among the closest relatives to the thylacine, or to be more accurate it could be said that the xolo is the great, great grandchild of the chupacabras. Experts and enthusiasts are declaring the recent DNA findings a vindication of their quest to establish that the thylacine is not extinct.
 Xolo
Professor Roberts recently held a press conference in Edinburgh to announce these findings and commented, "The most resistance to the incontrovertible DNA results, that proved the carcass of the so-called "Chupacabras" is a thylacine came from Australia, where they appear very hostile to the idea that marsupials developed and flourished in places other than Australia. More important than any idea of misplaced national pride is the continued survival of this species.". Roberts added that she hopes measures will be taken to prevent the needless slaughter of these unique creatures.

Ummm, What's with all the satanic handsigns? You're not in Slayer, or are you?

Once upon a time, there lived a heavy metal bimbo. She dressed like an extra in an Alice Cooper filmclip and never slept on weekends, but despite her many and varied excesses, she never made satanic hand signs like the ones prominent world leaders and celebrities appear to have grown so remarkably fond of. Not because she was afraid of the gates of hell opening and carrying her off to the underworld, but simply because its not that comfortable, and kind of hard to do by accident.

So why are they all doing it? Really, I'm curious, and I cant come up with a good answer. Those who prefer milliners who work exclusively with tin foil will tell you it's because they're in league with Satan. Skeptics, the mortal enemy of crackpots and tin-foil-hatters everywhere, don't believe Satan exists, and therefore would probably tell you that Obama Barrack is simply having a bit of a laugh. And maybe he listens to the occasional Metallica CD , which is his right, but it's bound to lose him some votes. Which, if you follow closely, is about to nicely segue into my next point, which goes a little something like this.

I'm not the one who got myself voted into the leadership of a religion, political party or entire country, but I have to ask this. Is it politically a clever thing to do? You see, I was under the impression that politicians want people to vote for them. As many as possible. Even the ones that don't agree with their policies. That sign of the devil thing is going to lose you some votes. My parents wouldn't have voted for someone doing what could be interpreted as more than their bit for the apocalypse.

The current Pope and the last god knows how many U.S Presidents have all been contenders for the historically highly coveted role of antichrist, which most people would find offensive, but no, these dudes are so hip they just smile and flash the devil horns. Go figure. Way to reassure the masses, Prince William.

So- what's that about? A bit of research and you'll find some christians who find it offensive, for that reason alone, I dont think I want my world leaders doing this. It seems I keep finding myself defending people's right to spiritual beliefs, however nutty I may find them to be, and as some people, for whatever reason, belive that the power structures of the world are in league with the devil and the hand signal is PROOF!, I'd rather like to know why the hell you all keep doing it? It's not "cool" anymore, not even the eighties revival can account for every disturbing trend, you know....

Or maybe they're paving the way for their post-celebrity careers, and are busy drumming up future tin foil hat sales.