Hate is a strong word. Probably too strong, but it was a cuter title than, say, "Ten Things About Someone Id Rather Not Name Who Really Pissed Me Off Today" , and evn that wouldn't be accurate because, lets face it, it's a toxic frendship. It's like dioxin, injected straight into your psyche, leaving survivors scarred and wary. And I need to vent.
1) You're a cashed up bogan.
Sure, you can buy stuff. Big deal. It's stuff. Sure, it cost some amount of money or another, but that doesnt mean it has any value. Having so much stuff reduces the real, intrinsic value of any individual item. Having so much stuff makes it all a bit disposable. Sure, your car is newer than mine, and going, I'll give you that, but that doesnt make it a better car. My car will get repaired when I get the parts, and as I drive a twenty six year old mercedes, its going to take a few days. Like when your car needed serviced and it was inconvenient. And buying stuff doesnt mean you can, or should, e rude to the staff in the shops and other places of business. They are people, they have families, and lives beyond serving you.
2) You're a bigot.
You're a bigot. There's no other way to describe it. You're against immigrants, Muslims, Christians (of all denominations), single mothers, homosexuals, teenagers, P-platers, dole bludgers, anorexics, over weight people, black people, Asian people, people aren't the same shade of white as you. You hate the people here, the people there, you hate the people everywhere
3) You Lie
All the time. To everyone. I don't believe it, but I worry that you do.
4) Youre a time thief.
You can't expect me to be available for an hour long chat three times a day. On your day off, I am not obligated to do anything. There is no reason why your day off should affect me at all, but I hope you enjoy it. Without me, at least occasionally
5) You'll never read this.
I'm confident on that one. Just like you don't come to my wrestling shows. So this was a perfectly safe excersise.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Trolls of Continuity, or is it a Poltergeist?
Strange things happen around here. I'm sure strange things happen wherever you are too, but this is about me, so wait your turn and I'll let you tell me whatever it is a bit later on. We've always referred to our unusual happenings as the work, or lack thereof, of the Trolls of continuity, which you've probably never heard of, mainly because they're pretty much something i made up quite some time ago for the specific purpose of explaining the frankly weird shit that happens around here.
But now i discover that it's what most people refer to as a poltergeist. All over the world, in just about every culture, they have the phenomenom known as poltergeist. I'd always thought of all things paranormal as being, well, bollocks, and probably nothing more than the flights of fancy of the bored and needy for attention, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with being. When things start to move of their own accord, electrical appliances either wont work or work erratically and its all centered around a disturbed young person, most people go with the standard explanation, but not me. I invented my own legend, and everyone in my circle bought into it.
I'll give you the background first. i've always had trouble with electrical appliances. They just don't like me. Lights stop working, so I change the bulb, and they still don't work. get someone else to flip the switch and, lo and behold, we have light. Yeah, i hear you skeptics muttering about me being superstitious, but my kids dad works in the electrical trade, and he thinks Im just hinky around power. If the car wont start, we get me out of it and try again. I just asked him how many computers I've blown up and he responded, "all of them". Its at least 6 in 5 years. After I blow them up, other people take them, wait a week and there's nothing wrong with them. Things disappear, and reappear exactly where they should have been, and definitely weren't a moment previously.
So I decided it was obviously the Trolls of Continuity. They're obviously trolls, and the grand scheme of the universe has these trolls in charge of continuity. Small and visually unpleasant creatures that are invisible, but almost omnipotent, who from moment to moment ensure that everything in the time/space continuum is in the place it should be in relation to where it just was and where it soon shall be. No doubt about it, it's one hell of a big job, and good staff being hard to find, especially in the troll world, theres inevitably going to be some mistakes, particularly with things like electricity. I mean, that shit is dangerous, and we expect simple minded trolls to keep the system operating from moment to moment, without any mishaps? Not to mention the stuff we simply misplace. What do you think your troll has to do then? That thing is meant to be somewhere, you know? It's atoms have to be accounted for at the end of the troll shift, or those poor trolls face hideous penalties (I think Dick Cheney is in charge of that)
So for years and years I've been operating under the assumption that my day shift troll, who I've named Dobbin, for want of a better name, has a grudge against me (hey, it happens) and is going to do a really bad job of being a troll of continuity until he's assigned a more compatible human. Dobbin likes goat ragout, but doesn't like me. That much Im certain of.
You can imagine my chagrin when I blew up another computer last week, and when my general "problem" with electrical stuff was understandably blamed I decided to hit Google with the problem. Google, the fount of all knowledge in our society informed me I had a poltergeist, in about 2 seconds flat. I named the poltergeist Polly.
Poltergeist are generally thought to be either a hoax, or somehow caused by a disturbed young person. I might be jumping to conclusions here, but my severely autistic, gravity defying, lightbulb smashing son fits the bill.
You'd think I'd be happy to accept the standard explanation, but I miss the trolls, despite Dobbins general incompetence, and if my troll is reading this, please come back. The time/space continuum just isn't the same without you.
But now i discover that it's what most people refer to as a poltergeist. All over the world, in just about every culture, they have the phenomenom known as poltergeist. I'd always thought of all things paranormal as being, well, bollocks, and probably nothing more than the flights of fancy of the bored and needy for attention, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with being. When things start to move of their own accord, electrical appliances either wont work or work erratically and its all centered around a disturbed young person, most people go with the standard explanation, but not me. I invented my own legend, and everyone in my circle bought into it.
I'll give you the background first. i've always had trouble with electrical appliances. They just don't like me. Lights stop working, so I change the bulb, and they still don't work. get someone else to flip the switch and, lo and behold, we have light. Yeah, i hear you skeptics muttering about me being superstitious, but my kids dad works in the electrical trade, and he thinks Im just hinky around power. If the car wont start, we get me out of it and try again. I just asked him how many computers I've blown up and he responded, "all of them". Its at least 6 in 5 years. After I blow them up, other people take them, wait a week and there's nothing wrong with them. Things disappear, and reappear exactly where they should have been, and definitely weren't a moment previously.
So I decided it was obviously the Trolls of Continuity. They're obviously trolls, and the grand scheme of the universe has these trolls in charge of continuity. Small and visually unpleasant creatures that are invisible, but almost omnipotent, who from moment to moment ensure that everything in the time/space continuum is in the place it should be in relation to where it just was and where it soon shall be. No doubt about it, it's one hell of a big job, and good staff being hard to find, especially in the troll world, theres inevitably going to be some mistakes, particularly with things like electricity. I mean, that shit is dangerous, and we expect simple minded trolls to keep the system operating from moment to moment, without any mishaps? Not to mention the stuff we simply misplace. What do you think your troll has to do then? That thing is meant to be somewhere, you know? It's atoms have to be accounted for at the end of the troll shift, or those poor trolls face hideous penalties (I think Dick Cheney is in charge of that)
So for years and years I've been operating under the assumption that my day shift troll, who I've named Dobbin, for want of a better name, has a grudge against me (hey, it happens) and is going to do a really bad job of being a troll of continuity until he's assigned a more compatible human. Dobbin likes goat ragout, but doesn't like me. That much Im certain of.
You can imagine my chagrin when I blew up another computer last week, and when my general "problem" with electrical stuff was understandably blamed I decided to hit Google with the problem. Google, the fount of all knowledge in our society informed me I had a poltergeist, in about 2 seconds flat. I named the poltergeist Polly.
Poltergeist are generally thought to be either a hoax, or somehow caused by a disturbed young person. I might be jumping to conclusions here, but my severely autistic, gravity defying, lightbulb smashing son fits the bill.
You'd think I'd be happy to accept the standard explanation, but I miss the trolls, despite Dobbins general incompetence, and if my troll is reading this, please come back. The time/space continuum just isn't the same without you.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)